Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Steaming Open Envelopes

“I suppose you heard what happened to Johnny 2 drinks?”

“No, I’ve just got back from Wales, what’s happened?”

“He’s up at City Royal in intensive care, a right mess.
Stevie and Mickey caught him in the kitchen
steaming open the mail with a boiling kettle on Giro Day.
They kicked seven different shades of shit out of him,
he’s in a coma still, gives me the horrors just thinking of it!”

“That doesn’t make any sense, why not just steal the mail
and open it elsewhere, like in the park across the road
or somewhere and then just bin the envelopes afterwards?”

“Well, him and Karen from room 6 had a barney again
and it was her post that he was caught steaming open.
He’s been ranting drunkenly about her seeing another man
for a couple of nights before all this happened.
He tried to tell Stevie and Mickey that he was just
looking for evidence as they were beating him
but of course they were both having none of it at all!”

“But that’s crazy, I think that he’s probably telling the truth!”

“I know but it was Giro Day and it’s the principle of it.
You just can’t go around messing with other peoples envelopes
on Giro Day or there will be bloodshed, everyone knows this.
He’s lucky that Dai Bones was still sleeping or he would
be proper dead and we’d all have another funeral to go to!”

--Paul Tristram

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