I originally performed this piece at Cha Island in March 2015 for our local Speak Your Peace! event. Everyone was amazing. You shoulda been.
Now I know we don’t wanna talk about cunts
‘Cause men fear them which means they fear us
Nobody wants to talk about blood
in the soul or spit
Nobody wants to hear about the times I thrashed against my clit
when I fucked the whole world away and felt
Nobody wants to see me look at her to imagine touching her to wonder if I could
these fingers have drawn a thousand lines in my mind yet rarely materialised against thigh
only once or twice and even then
too ashamed to be wet
preoccupied with a million lies like You’re cute when you’re angry I’m good when I do what they tell me I wanna fuck hard and loud and I don’t give a fuck who it is or if it hurts
This body wasn’t mine it belonged to every eye
and when he stuck it in I didn’t cringe. Didn’t cry. Just held my hands against his shirt whispered no once or twice or five times
and we didn’t break up
and I never called it rape.
I was taught guys like good girls who talk dirty, skip foreplay suck first think later ask never sit still stay on top. Swallow bend beg for it so what’s it matter if I did or didn’t like it when sex is centred around the dick I may as well have been a doll but doll’s don’t have scars dolls don’t have acne marks dolls don’t weep into toilet bowls and wonder why they’re ugly
Dolls don’t have ribs pointing out too far
Dolls don’t whisper no.
As I wipe the dirt from my sweet little secrets
I wonder how the world could ever benefit from this
and I worry my words will only hurt or make it worse.
We cannot spark a revolution w/ our tongues
No matter how much they beat against us
for long before we learned to talk they learned to silence us.
I always wanted to be a boy and for a while thought I was
but daddy’s little girl still wore dresses to Sunday School
now looking back I see what I meant to express through this
what was expected of me in a Christian family
I sensed very well who I wasn’t supposed to kiss.
In girls I was meant to find friends and in men an eventual husband
which soon turned to cocks locked with frustrated fingers
fucking so loud so silently
and never finding anything.
Would I have done better abstinent
Would I have done better without regret
Would I have done better loving women
exactly the way I wanted.
Now I know a little too late
Love isn’t a sin but lust is
Just stay with me on this
Lust isn’t desire lust isn’t libido lust isn’t attraction and lust isn’t sex
Lust is what turns us into
meat on heels
the prop they’re gonna tap the hole they’re gonna get
bitch slut dyke fake the names they give us to assume our submission
strip our humanity
the ones that gave excuses for raping slaves.
And I know it hurts to hear, and I still look at her even when she isn’t here
and remember a cunt gushing on my chair
because there between fingers and kiss I sensed something resembling innocence
a feeling I’ve never felt in these lips.
But you don’t wanna hear about her
and you don’t wanna hear that word
you’d rather I keep lying
and say I like it.